You have such a pretty face….

That is pretty much the comment I have been hearing for the majority of my 30 years on this planet. I have heard it from everyone. My parents, friends, and strangers. Not the kind of strangers that come up to you in the street, I think they pretty much saw me as an invisible person unless they turned to their friends to mock me, but the type of strangers that came up to me at my old job.

I worked at a video store for about 10 years…er 11 years. I started in August of 1996 there. Just out of high school, paying my way through college.  But, the job became more of a job. It was a familiar place to go. I knew certain people, got annoyed by a lot of them. Threatened to quit. But I never did. I saw it go from one ownership to another. Met my BFF there. Even a few amazing characters and odd balls. Like a lady that always had food on her face and told me it was illegal to have late fees. I think she was senile.

But that job was like a security blanket to me. I always had a place to turn to when things got rough in my life. My boss turned out to be the most awesome boss ever. He became my second dad in a sense. Helped me when I was in a financial bind or when I just needed to take time off. Granted I had no health insurance or anything, but if I needed money or help, he was always there.

The store closed completely in the fall of 2007. There was just no more business for a video store since technology phased out the demand for movies. It was sad to see it go. I cried like a baby…not in front of the boss, but on the drive home after I took pictures of the store and such. I even miss that damn porn room. Not the movies, but the funny things that have happened there.

But I’m off track. This isn’t a blog about my experience at the video store. It’s about that damn comment, “You have such a pretty face…”. Let me finish that comment here. “You have such a pretty face, if you just lost the weight” . That comment has got to be the worst comment ever said. Gee, thanks for saying my head is pretty but my body is the picture of undesirable want, the loathing of human fantasy, the horror show of intimacy. Just say my body is fucking revolting and get over it. I know this is a fact!

It’s enough being bombarded with images of skinny, perfectly shaped air brushed, blond bitches since the start of time, but to have your self confidence so low that you begin to accept the idea that if you are over a size 4 you are no longer privileged to life’s happiness. I have succumbed to that idea. That I wasn’t entitled to be happy. I was meant to be a self -hating fatty that has become a leper. I was an outcast, partly because of society but partly because I have put myself in that position.

So as time went on, I got fatter and fatter. I ballooned up to a size 26 pant, size 44DD bra, and a horrific weight of 339. YES, not 239 which is bad enough but 339!!!! What the hell. I don’t think i looked that fat. but I guess i did.  It was scary. Both mentally and physically. I had pains due to the weight. My back always going out, my knees hurt, my hips hurt.

So because of this new knowledge of my weight, and countless failed diets. I decided to do something about my weight. I decided to undergo Gastric Bypass. An extreme procedure to lose the weight, but an important and most likely a life saving decision.

This procedure is not the easy way out. I know you can say, just don’t eat as much, exercise more, blah, blah blah. I KNOW THIS, but when you reach a certain weight sometimes its just about the idea of never feeling like you will lose the weight. Like you aren’t good enough. Because let me tell you one thing, the pain after surgery is so ungodly, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. And I had this pain for about 3 weeks after. And I am one of the lucky ones. I didn’t have any complications but a friend of mine did. she contracted a bacterial infection which left her in the hospital for about 6 months. So please all you fatty haters, keep your comments to yourselves. I’m not asking for your comment nor am I trying to get pity from you. My whole reason for this blog is to try and help those that felt the way I did.This blog will be about my experience in undergoing that procedure and my past and present life experiences from being overweight.

On Feb. 6th 2008, I underwent the procedure. I was 339 at my heaviest. I am now down to 215, size 14/16 pant, size 38DD bra. Still over weight, but looking and feeling better. But there is more to just losing the weight. many more battles to self esteem to be fought. In these pages, I will tackles them and hopefully this blog will help others that want to change their lives or just feel a connection with someone who is has a pretty face just like themselves.