Out for Sheer Boredom
September 16, 2008
Leave a comment
and for a laugh…..
****Edited because wordpress won’t let me upload videos from photobucket.***
CLICK ON THE LINK!!!!
Archive
Archive for September, 2008
HOT FLASHES
September 16, 2008
Leave a comment
So since the surgery there are a few noticeable changes in my eating habits/results. A few things that have changed are the types of foods I can and can not eat. Granted it’s for the better but damn, I sure do miss the foods I used to eat. Another thing that is weird is that you tend to get grossed out by what you used to be able to eat. I constantly say to myself “How the hell did I eat crap like that”. Sometimes I miss it dearly but then I remembered how much of a lard ass I used to be.
I remember when my brother used to come home from work late at night and he stopped at McDonalds and got a 6 double cheeseburgers from the Dollar Menu. I would usually eat 2 if not 3 of them. Now I can’t even put ground beef into my mouth without the need to throw up. I haven’t been able to really eat meat since my surgery on Feb. 6th. I can’t eat chicken without tasting the iron or the blood of the chicken, and its cooked all the way through. I can’t eat pork without throwing up, except I can eat bacon. I can eat beef if it is cut thinly, but not ground beef. I can’t eat fried foods without getting sick…except for bacon. OK its not like deep fried but it is fried because it’s in it’s own fat. I can’t eat bread unless it is toasted hard so it can break down into a powder type substance. I can’t eat rice because it’s basically like thick Elmer’s glue. I can’t eat pasta too much because it’s pretty much like rice and bread. All that I can eat is fruits and veggies. Which is good because that’s what nutritionist tell you to eat. I do drink soy milk and regular milk and eat nuts for protein. But when I can I occasionally eat meat, but I no longer want it. It’s weird because my diet from the 3 month mark was beef jerky and pickles. Only thing I craved and can stomach. Also, I’m no longer lactose intolerant. Strange things this surgery does.
It’s not so much frustrating that I can’t eat the food I used to anymore, it’s the fact that my family, whom have seen me struggle for most of my life with my weight, still eat the same. They all have weight problems. My dad is 6′4 around 250lbs my mom 5′2 220lbs, my brother is 6′1 around 160lbs (he is on dialysis due to a kidney problem but he still eats like a horse just doesn’t gain anything) and they all continue to eat crap and not even care that I can’t. This makes me so mad at times I literally cry because I’m hungry but can’t eat. The response I get from them is that…oh what does it matter you can’t eat anyway. That isn’t the point. The point is I need to eat to get my minerals and vitamins because now I am LACKING them and yet they don’t care. Even when I buy food for myself, they end up eating some of it and get mad at me when I yell at them. OK we are struggling in money and there are times when we don’t have dinner, but that doesn’t mean they can take what I put aside for myself. I mean they are the ones that need to stop eating for a bit. It won’t kill them to not eat for a day, but it can certainly do harm to me.
Another thing that is frustrating, and people who have or will go through this procedure can agree to and will find out, is when you are in the grocery store, it can be a battle. What used to be a quick task is now an on going mission. You can go in to the grocery store all thinking what you may want to eat that night…go walk around, see your food items, put them in your cart, walk away, then all of the sudden………you stop. Wait do I want that? Do I really want to eat that tonight? “I don’t know.” Then you walk back, put it back, look for something else, decide no on that, walk back to the original food you wanted, put your hand on it…take your hand back..DAMN IT!!! You are so frustrated at that point you start to walk the WHOLE MARKET 2 or three times and still not know what you want. At this point, your eyes start to well up with tears of frustration and your face starts to turn red because you want to just hit something because again, you still aren’t sure what you can eat and what you want to eat. There were a few times I got into shouting matches with my mom, because she wanted me to just choose something, and I can’t because I’m not sure if I will get sick if I eat it.
When I finally find something to eat there is a whole new battle. Hot flashes. Yes I get them. No it’s not menopause. I’m 30, not 45. I believe it is a end result of the surgery. Anytime I eat anything that has high sugar content I tend to have hot flashes and my heart just beats so fast I feel like it will jump out of my chest. Now I haven’t gotten a doctor to confirm it, but I think its just a side effect of the surgery, like no longer being able to eat meat. (Some people have become vegetarians because of the surgery…I’m very close
to it.) The hot flashes usually last for about 20-25 minutes. so I’m a complete moron during them trying to find any form of cooling myself down. Going as far as sticking my head in the freezer.
So all I really want to say is that you must be prepared for everything that may result in this surgery. But also, you do need support from friends and family. I’m not saying they all have to change their eating habits, it’s just that they need to understand yours because food truly is a life force. It is no longer your friend in need. Your friend that comforts you in times of stress. It is kinda like an enemy now…for me anyway. It taunts me because I still battle with what I can and cannot eat.
I remember when my brother used to come home from work late at night and he stopped at McDonalds and got a 6 double cheeseburgers from the Dollar Menu. I would usually eat 2 if not 3 of them. Now I can’t even put ground beef into my mouth without the need to throw up. I haven’t been able to really eat meat since my surgery on Feb. 6th. I can’t eat chicken without tasting the iron or the blood of the chicken, and its cooked all the way through. I can’t eat pork without throwing up, except I can eat bacon. I can eat beef if it is cut thinly, but not ground beef. I can’t eat fried foods without getting sick…except for bacon. OK its not like deep fried but it is fried because it’s in it’s own fat. I can’t eat bread unless it is toasted hard so it can break down into a powder type substance. I can’t eat rice because it’s basically like thick Elmer’s glue. I can’t eat pasta too much because it’s pretty much like rice and bread. All that I can eat is fruits and veggies. Which is good because that’s what nutritionist tell you to eat. I do drink soy milk and regular milk and eat nuts for protein. But when I can I occasionally eat meat, but I no longer want it. It’s weird because my diet from the 3 month mark was beef jerky and pickles. Only thing I craved and can stomach. Also, I’m no longer lactose intolerant. Strange things this surgery does.
It’s not so much frustrating that I can’t eat the food I used to anymore, it’s the fact that my family, whom have seen me struggle for most of my life with my weight, still eat the same. They all have weight problems. My dad is 6′4 around 250lbs my mom 5′2 220lbs, my brother is 6′1 around 160lbs (he is on dialysis due to a kidney problem but he still eats like a horse just doesn’t gain anything) and they all continue to eat crap and not even care that I can’t. This makes me so mad at times I literally cry because I’m hungry but can’t eat. The response I get from them is that…oh what does it matter you can’t eat anyway. That isn’t the point. The point is I need to eat to get my minerals and vitamins because now I am LACKING them and yet they don’t care. Even when I buy food for myself, they end up eating some of it and get mad at me when I yell at them. OK we are struggling in money and there are times when we don’t have dinner, but that doesn’t mean they can take what I put aside for myself. I mean they are the ones that need to stop eating for a bit. It won’t kill them to not eat for a day, but it can certainly do harm to me.
Another thing that is frustrating, and people who have or will go through this procedure can agree to and will find out, is when you are in the grocery store, it can be a battle. What used to be a quick task is now an on going mission. You can go in to the grocery store all thinking what you may want to eat that night…go walk around, see your food items, put them in your cart, walk away, then all of the sudden………you stop. Wait do I want that? Do I really want to eat that tonight? “I don’t know.” Then you walk back, put it back, look for something else, decide no on that, walk back to the original food you wanted, put your hand on it…take your hand back..DAMN IT!!! You are so frustrated at that point you start to walk the WHOLE MARKET 2 or three times and still not know what you want. At this point, your eyes start to well up with tears of frustration and your face starts to turn red because you want to just hit something because again, you still aren’t sure what you can eat and what you want to eat. There were a few times I got into shouting matches with my mom, because she wanted me to just choose something, and I can’t because I’m not sure if I will get sick if I eat it.
When I finally find something to eat there is a whole new battle. Hot flashes. Yes I get them. No it’s not menopause. I’m 30, not 45. I believe it is a end result of the surgery. Anytime I eat anything that has high sugar content I tend to have hot flashes and my heart just beats so fast I feel like it will jump out of my chest. Now I haven’t gotten a doctor to confirm it, but I think its just a side effect of the surgery, like no longer being able to eat meat. (Some people have become vegetarians because of the surgery…I’m very close
to it.) The hot flashes usually last for about 20-25 minutes. so I’m a complete moron during them trying to find any form of cooling myself down. Going as far as sticking my head in the freezer.So all I really want to say is that you must be prepared for everything that may result in this surgery. But also, you do need support from friends and family. I’m not saying they all have to change their eating habits, it’s just that they need to understand yours because food truly is a life force. It is no longer your friend in need. Your friend that comforts you in times of stress. It is kinda like an enemy now…for me anyway. It taunts me because I still battle with what I can and cannot eat.
Turning 30
September 9, 2008
2 comments
Tags: turning30, getting older, birthday, fear of turning OLDWhen I was younger, I never thought turning 30 would be a big deal. I mean for Christs sake, it’s only 30 years old. Still young. Can still do
things. Still considered young enough to hang out with the girls in the bars or clubs but old enough to be taken serious. However, as I am nearing that 3rd decade I can’t help but feel a bit nervous. A bit scared. A bit of wanting to stay 29 for a long while. I am now one of those women that me and my friend used to make fun of. Those women that dread the big 3-0. I am dreading it. Not for the fact that “oh hey I’ll be thirty. Yay!” But for the fact that “OH GOD I’LL BE 30! I’M NOT MARRIED AND I’M CHILDLESS!!!!”
That damn biological clock is ticking and it’s irking the hell out of me. I am getting nervous because now I feel that urgency that I need to get married soon, if not just get knocked up and have a kid. But I’m still unsure. Maybe 30 is the new 20? I want to believe that because, hell, I’m still not ready to get settled. I think the problem with me is that I’m just nervous about the whole idea of being 30. When someone asks you “How old are you?, I’ll have to reply begrudgingly,”I’m 30″. I hear myself even now saying it like it’s some sort of death sentence. Maybe in a couple of days, weeks, months, years, I’ll get over the idea of being 30. Well the on thing I am looking forward to is next year’s birthday. It falls on 9.9.09. How awesome is that?! Oh well, its 10:40pm, an hour and 20 minutes I will be 30. Happy birthday to me. At least I look younger than 30. Good Asian genes.
Blogged with the Flock Browser
my cake 
and yes I had a slice…I ate my sugar and fat and all those calories…for at least one night I was bad…LOL
Categories: Uncategorized
Mind playing tricks on me
September 6, 2008
Leave a comment
So I’m about 125lbs down (214lbs). I am trying to be under 200lbs by my birthday, which is this Tuesday, but I fear I won’t make it. I thought I could lose 15lbs when I realized I was a little over a week from hitting the big 30. So I started walking twice as much and eating a little less. But my weight still hasn’t went down. I know this is bad to begin with because I’m already eating less than a normal person already and I shouldn’t deprive my body of nutrients, but when you have been big for so long and lose this much weight in such a short time, you are always wanting more. But you can’t rush your body. I know this, but still I want more.
There is a a mental side effect from having this surgery. One that the doctors and my $100/hr shrink failed to tell me about. You get addicted to losing the weight. You are so happy and amazed at how quickly one loses the weight that you don’t want it to stop, even if you hit your goal weight. mine is at 165lbs. But now that I’m about 50lbs away from it. I feel like I should lose more. I look in the mirror and I see myself thinner and such, but I still see the fat person. I see the flabby skin. Skin stretched so far from all the years of being overweight that no matter what you do, you will still have folds of skin. No amount of exercise will tighten your skin up. It will have to be done with surgery. And how the insurance is today, they consider a body lift cosmetic and will NOT cover it, unless its a health related issue. And in my case, since I have eczema I may be covered because I get rashes easily and its a health issue. Granted it may only be for my stomach region but it’s better than nothing. But we shall see. I am taking pictures now and also going to my primary so he can have a record of the rash outbreak. But the other thing I want to work on is my arms. I have this thing called Bat wings. Look it up. It just like this amount of skin that hangs. I am doing tightening exercises but still, not sure how much will tighten up. This is a surgery I definitely want to have because I don’t think I will feel beautiful if I keep the flabbiness. It’s not attractive, and I personally wouldn’t want a man looking at me naked or even in lingerie if I just have skin hanging from my body.
And even before that, I am kind of addicted to losing the weight faster. I feel it’s some sort of game with myself that I have against other people who had the surgery. I know it’s horrible and wrong but sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. A physical side effect is vomiting if you eat too much. I think we all go through this process simply because we are trying to figure out how much we can eat. We were so used to eating even past the stage of fullness that now having a stomach that is like 1/5 the size of a normal stomach, it’s hard to judge how much one can eat and what you can eat.
The first time I felt the the vomiting reaction was when I was about 1 1/2 months in. I was sitting at my computer. Just finished eating dinner. Mashed potatoes with a bit of butter and pepper and some peas. it was maybe a half a cup of the mashed potatoes and 1/2 cup of the peas. I felt full. I didn’t drink anything because they tell you to not drink during meals because it fills your stomach up. But I sat there, about 3 minutes after I was done..feeling a little queezy. So I stopped, thought about what is going on, then all of the sudden I made a mad dash to the bathroom. Pushed my mom out of the way, kind of kicked the dog so it would move and burst through the bathroom door and over the toilet. Granted when I blew chunks it was like my normal throw up. It was kind of mucusish. Not that horrible acid reflux taste in your mouth, nor the burning of the throat. I used to cry after my normal throw ups, but this one… I didn’t. It was weird.
I also threw up when I didn’t realize I couldn’t eat certain foods anymore. Not because they are restricted, but because my stomach can’t take it. In the beginning, I couldn’t take dairy. But I’m ok with that now. But I can’t eat pork, unless its bacon, steak is OK, hamburger is a huge no unless its so finely ground and mushy, any fried foods are murder on me, any desserts like cakes and cookies, especially the ones that are pre-made and packed with preservatives like Twinkies. Oh how I miss the Twinkies. That yellow cake that surrounds the sweet white creme of delight. Ooooh yaaaaa.
OK I digress. SO yes, I have thrown up since then. Trying to figure out what I can and can not eat. However, I don’t only throw up because of the wrong things or because I’ve eaten too much. I vomit occasionally because I felt I’ve eaten too much, therefore I force myself to vomit. This isn’t an everyday occurrence and I know it’s horrible, but it is something I am controlling. I know it should stop. I will stop eventually. But I do it sometimes because I do feel left out that I can’t eat what I used to eat or I feel i have over eaten. It is some sort of depression because I wish sometimes that I can eat certain foods but I can’t. I mean for god sakes I’m half Asian and I can’t even eat God Damn Rice anymore! The rice just acts as glue and sticks to your sides. I haven’t eaten Chinese food in 7 months because I throw up. So I stay away from it. Now that’s hard because again, I’m freaking Asian. It’s like I’m disowning my culture. What the hell?!
Oh and bread is horrible. Unless its like a crouton or toast that is so toasted that is hard like a crouton, I can’t eat it. I made the horrible mistake one night because I craved a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. I only used one slice but as soon as I ate it, I felt weird. I was only able to eat half a slice when it hit me. OMG I just wallpapered my throat shut. The bread and peanut butter shut my throat up so much that even when I tried to drink some water to try and work it through, it would work. I stood over the toilet trying to throw it back up, but it wouldn’t even do that. I just had to SUFFER my way through the night. So whatever you do, do not eat peanut butter. That is one thing I read about. There are certain foods you may no longer be able to eat anymore. I very rarely eat meat. I think from about the 2nd month til the 3rd month, all I liked to eat was pickles because it was mostly water and the only thing I could tolerate. But some people are actually forced into a vegetarian lifestyle now because of the surgery.
But back to my image problem. I do feel like that cartoon in this post. I may not be thin like her, but I still have that mental mind of a fat person. I still see myself as fat and I want to lose more, faster. But that is hampered because of my sagging skin. Don’t worry though, I am not bulimic. I do not throw up after every meal. I know what I am doing. Plus, if I was bulimic my
parents and family would stop me from ever closing the door to the bathroom again. Even my co-workers would follow me to the bathroom. But I try and eat all my meals. Again this whole thing is new. Nothing a doctor, a shrink, or even other post-op patients can tell you how you will react. You will find this out all on your own. I just hope that maybe reading this blog you can prepare yourself for what you may expect. There will be times of tears, frustrations, and hopelessness. But all of it is moot when you actually see and feel better. So just stick with it. Cry when you need to cry, but laugh when you want to laugh. Because this is a new beginning now. A new start to a better healthier life.
There is a a mental side effect from having this surgery. One that the doctors and my $100/hr shrink failed to tell me about. You get addicted to losing the weight. You are so happy and amazed at how quickly one loses the weight that you don’t want it to stop, even if you hit your goal weight. mine is at 165lbs. But now that I’m about 50lbs away from it. I feel like I should lose more. I look in the mirror and I see myself thinner and such, but I still see the fat person. I see the flabby skin. Skin stretched so far from all the years of being overweight that no matter what you do, you will still have folds of skin. No amount of exercise will tighten your skin up. It will have to be done with surgery. And how the insurance is today, they consider a body lift cosmetic and will NOT cover it, unless its a health related issue. And in my case, since I have eczema I may be covered because I get rashes easily and its a health issue. Granted it may only be for my stomach region but it’s better than nothing. But we shall see. I am taking pictures now and also going to my primary so he can have a record of the rash outbreak. But the other thing I want to work on is my arms. I have this thing called Bat wings. Look it up. It just like this amount of skin that hangs. I am doing tightening exercises but still, not sure how much will tighten up. This is a surgery I definitely want to have because I don’t think I will feel beautiful if I keep the flabbiness. It’s not attractive, and I personally wouldn’t want a man looking at me naked or even in lingerie if I just have skin hanging from my body.
And even before that, I am kind of addicted to losing the weight faster. I feel it’s some sort of game with myself that I have against other people who had the surgery. I know it’s horrible and wrong but sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. A physical side effect is vomiting if you eat too much. I think we all go through this process simply because we are trying to figure out how much we can eat. We were so used to eating even past the stage of fullness that now having a stomach that is like 1/5 the size of a normal stomach, it’s hard to judge how much one can eat and what you can eat.
The first time I felt the the vomiting reaction was when I was about 1 1/2 months in. I was sitting at my computer. Just finished eating dinner. Mashed potatoes with a bit of butter and pepper and some peas. it was maybe a half a cup of the mashed potatoes and 1/2 cup of the peas. I felt full. I didn’t drink anything because they tell you to not drink during meals because it fills your stomach up. But I sat there, about 3 minutes after I was done..feeling a little queezy. So I stopped, thought about what is going on, then all of the sudden I made a mad dash to the bathroom. Pushed my mom out of the way, kind of kicked the dog so it would move and burst through the bathroom door and over the toilet. Granted when I blew chunks it was like my normal throw up. It was kind of mucusish. Not that horrible acid reflux taste in your mouth, nor the burning of the throat. I used to cry after my normal throw ups, but this one… I didn’t. It was weird.
I also threw up when I didn’t realize I couldn’t eat certain foods anymore. Not because they are restricted, but because my stomach can’t take it. In the beginning, I couldn’t take dairy. But I’m ok with that now. But I can’t eat pork, unless its bacon, steak is OK, hamburger is a huge no unless its so finely ground and mushy, any fried foods are murder on me, any desserts like cakes and cookies, especially the ones that are pre-made and packed with preservatives like Twinkies. Oh how I miss the Twinkies. That yellow cake that surrounds the sweet white creme of delight. Ooooh yaaaaa.
OK I digress. SO yes, I have thrown up since then. Trying to figure out what I can and can not eat. However, I don’t only throw up because of the wrong things or because I’ve eaten too much. I vomit occasionally because I felt I’ve eaten too much, therefore I force myself to vomit. This isn’t an everyday occurrence and I know it’s horrible, but it is something I am controlling. I know it should stop. I will stop eventually. But I do it sometimes because I do feel left out that I can’t eat what I used to eat or I feel i have over eaten. It is some sort of depression because I wish sometimes that I can eat certain foods but I can’t. I mean for god sakes I’m half Asian and I can’t even eat God Damn Rice anymore! The rice just acts as glue and sticks to your sides. I haven’t eaten Chinese food in 7 months because I throw up. So I stay away from it. Now that’s hard because again, I’m freaking Asian. It’s like I’m disowning my culture. What the hell?!
Oh and bread is horrible. Unless its like a crouton or toast that is so toasted that is hard like a crouton, I can’t eat it. I made the horrible mistake one night because I craved a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. I only used one slice but as soon as I ate it, I felt weird. I was only able to eat half a slice when it hit me. OMG I just wallpapered my throat shut. The bread and peanut butter shut my throat up so much that even when I tried to drink some water to try and work it through, it would work. I stood over the toilet trying to throw it back up, but it wouldn’t even do that. I just had to SUFFER my way through the night. So whatever you do, do not eat peanut butter. That is one thing I read about. There are certain foods you may no longer be able to eat anymore. I very rarely eat meat. I think from about the 2nd month til the 3rd month, all I liked to eat was pickles because it was mostly water and the only thing I could tolerate. But some people are actually forced into a vegetarian lifestyle now because of the surgery.
But back to my image problem. I do feel like that cartoon in this post. I may not be thin like her, but I still have that mental mind of a fat person. I still see myself as fat and I want to lose more, faster. But that is hampered because of my sagging skin. Don’t worry though, I am not bulimic. I do not throw up after every meal. I know what I am doing. Plus, if I was bulimic my
parents and family would stop me from ever closing the door to the bathroom again. Even my co-workers would follow me to the bathroom. But I try and eat all my meals. Again this whole thing is new. Nothing a doctor, a shrink, or even other post-op patients can tell you how you will react. You will find this out all on your own. I just hope that maybe reading this blog you can prepare yourself for what you may expect. There will be times of tears, frustrations, and hopelessness. But all of it is moot when you actually see and feel better. So just stick with it. Cry when you need to cry, but laugh when you want to laugh. Because this is a new beginning now. A new start to a better healthier life.Amazing how much a face changes
September 3, 2008
2 comments
in the span of about 7 months. Sept 6th will be my 7 month anniversary since I had my Gastric Bypass. At the time of surgery I was about 315 (down from that whopping 339). My face was so unbelievably round. I never realized my head was like a perfect spherical ball. I looked so plump and juicy. Like a ripe tomato about to fall of the vine. I bet if there were beings bigger than us humans and we were their cattle, I’d be one of the most tasty and succulent meats. But alas, we’re at the top of the food chain and I live no where close to cannibals so I am safe. Although, there is a strange fellow down the block.
But in all seriousness, I was and still am in shock about how huge I was. In the beginning of the pre-op stages of surgery, I had to wait 6 months in order to be approved, I would sit for hours in front of my mirror in my room. I had a vanity and I would just plop my ever widening ass in front of it and just stare. I would stare at my eyes, my cheekbones, the lips, and my triple not DOUBLE chin. I would try to imagine what my face would look like if just lost 50lbs. I would take my hands and strategically place them on my face and cover my triple chin and my meaty cheekbones. I would see a pretty face. A face that would feel a bit more confident if I could just lose that weight. But when I took my hands away, reality set in and the fat face would reappear. My confidence lowered again. I would be depressed. I would never show it to anyone, how upset I was, because if it wasn’t for my humor then I’d think I would jsut be that blob of gelatin in the corner.
That’s the thing about being big. If you are huge most likely we have huge personalities and people love being around us. Because #1 We are pros at laughing at ourselves regardless how we feel on the inside. #2 We feel so low about our physical appearance that we think in order to make up for what we feel as ugly, we must have the personality to find love, friends etc #3 We tend to make other people look good.
Well, that 3rd one is how I always felt. I never approached a guy. I was always so scared about what a man would think of me. Why would a cute guy want me? Why would he like to touch my body when I hate my own body so much. But this story is for another post…I am getting side tracked. I wanna talk about the face.
I remember when I got a call from my bariatric coordinator. She told me that I may not be approved because I didn’t have 5 years of weight records in my medical records. I told her this was due to the fact that I didn’t have health insurance at the time, so I wouldn’t go to the doctor’s unless it was in dire need. She told me she would tell that to my insurance company but be prepared for a rejection. She also told me to see my primary and ask him to write a letter to my insurance agent explaining.
When I got off the phone with her, I told my mom about the news. We sat at the table, actually talking. A deep mother to daughter talk. We don’t have a lot of these moments so this was actually special. I let her in on my secret. I told her that I would sit in front of my vanity imagining what I would look like with a smaller face. It’s one thing to look at your body being smaller but something as the face. Something so personal and so intimate, it was hard for her to hear. I told her how I would mask my face with my hands imagining myself without the triple chin and meaty cheeks. She just looked back at me with tears in her eyes. I think at that moment she realized how horrible I felt about my own self worth. I told her I had thoughts of suicide because I never thought I was good enough and I didn’t deserve to be happy. I told her I don’t know what I would do if I was rejected for the surgery. But all she could say was ” Stop it”. She didn’t want to hear anymore. It was hard to hear her own child speak of such things. One thing about our family is that we never say anything about our feelings. EVER. It’s like we automatically know, so we don’t have to say it. But when one of us does mention something of some emotional importance, it catches us off guard. I caught her off guard at that very moment. So I stopped. I shut up. Got up from the table and went up stairs. Scratch that, I went upstairs after I grabbed myself something to eat to bury the pain of what I was feeling.
It’s a horrible cycle, what we go through. It is amazing how much food is a security blanket for us. We know that it’s horrible because we abuse it in a manner that we have, but it’s also the one thing that will make us feel better when we have no one there to support or comfort us. Even when you have family, sometimes they don’t comfort you or give you that sense of “it’s going to be OK” feeling that a pint of Ben’ and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey can.
About a week later, I had an appointment to meet with my primary. I turned off my cell phone before I went into his office. I sat in the waiting room before they called me back. I heard my name. Got my vitals taken, I guess they figured if i was going to pay for a doctor’s visit they might as well run the basic tests. The nurse practitioner left the room and informed me the doctor would be in soon. I waited anxiously, trying to think of other alternatives if I didn’t get approved. The door opened and my breathing stopped for a moment. He sat across from me, opened, my file, looked at the blood work I did, the psych review, the nutritionist review, and was dumbfounded at how I may be refused the surgery. He looked at me and said he would write another letter stressing the importance of the surgery but told me “If you get rejected, you will have to look at Visa and MasterCard to pay for your surgery” and left the room. Yeah, gee thanks doc. You make me feel so bloody optimistic!
I paid my $15 Co-Pay and left. By the time I got home, my mom comes running to the door screaming nonsense. All I could make out was, Tina called (my bariatric coordinator), approved. I was shocked but
thrilled because I know this is what I have been waiting for. I called her up, she congratulated me and told me to “Pick a Day” for my surgery. I was dumbfounded and said er, “February?” and she said OK let me look. “The 6th good for you?” Me, “I’ll make it good for me”.
After that day, I no longer had to camouflage my face with my hands. This picture is of me at around 260lbs (70lbs lighter). The picture in the about me section is the most current. That picture I’m about 115 lbs lighter and that’s 7 months post-op.
But in all seriousness, I was and still am in shock about how huge I was. In the beginning of the pre-op stages of surgery, I had to wait 6 months in order to be approved, I would sit for hours in front of my mirror in my room. I had a vanity and I would just plop my ever widening ass in front of it and just stare. I would stare at my eyes, my cheekbones, the lips, and my triple not DOUBLE chin. I would try to imagine what my face would look like if just lost 50lbs. I would take my hands and strategically place them on my face and cover my triple chin and my meaty cheekbones. I would see a pretty face. A face that would feel a bit more confident if I could just lose that weight. But when I took my hands away, reality set in and the fat face would reappear. My confidence lowered again. I would be depressed. I would never show it to anyone, how upset I was, because if it wasn’t for my humor then I’d think I would jsut be that blob of gelatin in the corner.
That’s the thing about being big. If you are huge most likely we have huge personalities and people love being around us. Because #1 We are pros at laughing at ourselves regardless how we feel on the inside. #2 We feel so low about our physical appearance that we think in order to make up for what we feel as ugly, we must have the personality to find love, friends etc #3 We tend to make other people look good.
Well, that 3rd one is how I always felt. I never approached a guy. I was always so scared about what a man would think of me. Why would a cute guy want me? Why would he like to touch my body when I hate my own body so much. But this story is for another post…I am getting side tracked. I wanna talk about the face.
I remember when I got a call from my bariatric coordinator. She told me that I may not be approved because I didn’t have 5 years of weight records in my medical records. I told her this was due to the fact that I didn’t have health insurance at the time, so I wouldn’t go to the doctor’s unless it was in dire need. She told me she would tell that to my insurance company but be prepared for a rejection. She also told me to see my primary and ask him to write a letter to my insurance agent explaining.
When I got off the phone with her, I told my mom about the news. We sat at the table, actually talking. A deep mother to daughter talk. We don’t have a lot of these moments so this was actually special. I let her in on my secret. I told her that I would sit in front of my vanity imagining what I would look like with a smaller face. It’s one thing to look at your body being smaller but something as the face. Something so personal and so intimate, it was hard for her to hear. I told her how I would mask my face with my hands imagining myself without the triple chin and meaty cheeks. She just looked back at me with tears in her eyes. I think at that moment she realized how horrible I felt about my own self worth. I told her I had thoughts of suicide because I never thought I was good enough and I didn’t deserve to be happy. I told her I don’t know what I would do if I was rejected for the surgery. But all she could say was ” Stop it”. She didn’t want to hear anymore. It was hard to hear her own child speak of such things. One thing about our family is that we never say anything about our feelings. EVER. It’s like we automatically know, so we don’t have to say it. But when one of us does mention something of some emotional importance, it catches us off guard. I caught her off guard at that very moment. So I stopped. I shut up. Got up from the table and went up stairs. Scratch that, I went upstairs after I grabbed myself something to eat to bury the pain of what I was feeling.
It’s a horrible cycle, what we go through. It is amazing how much food is a security blanket for us. We know that it’s horrible because we abuse it in a manner that we have, but it’s also the one thing that will make us feel better when we have no one there to support or comfort us. Even when you have family, sometimes they don’t comfort you or give you that sense of “it’s going to be OK” feeling that a pint of Ben’ and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey can.
About a week later, I had an appointment to meet with my primary. I turned off my cell phone before I went into his office. I sat in the waiting room before they called me back. I heard my name. Got my vitals taken, I guess they figured if i was going to pay for a doctor’s visit they might as well run the basic tests. The nurse practitioner left the room and informed me the doctor would be in soon. I waited anxiously, trying to think of other alternatives if I didn’t get approved. The door opened and my breathing stopped for a moment. He sat across from me, opened, my file, looked at the blood work I did, the psych review, the nutritionist review, and was dumbfounded at how I may be refused the surgery. He looked at me and said he would write another letter stressing the importance of the surgery but told me “If you get rejected, you will have to look at Visa and MasterCard to pay for your surgery” and left the room. Yeah, gee thanks doc. You make me feel so bloody optimistic!
I paid my $15 Co-Pay and left. By the time I got home, my mom comes running to the door screaming nonsense. All I could make out was, Tina called (my bariatric coordinator), approved. I was shocked but
thrilled because I know this is what I have been waiting for. I called her up, she congratulated me and told me to “Pick a Day” for my surgery. I was dumbfounded and said er, “February?” and she said OK let me look. “The 6th good for you?” Me, “I’ll make it good for me”.After that day, I no longer had to camouflage my face with my hands. This picture is of me at around 260lbs (70lbs lighter). The picture in the about me section is the most current. That picture I’m about 115 lbs lighter and that’s 7 months post-op.
Categories: Uncategorized body image, fat, fat people, gastric bypass, heavy people, overweight, self confidence
I was 6 years old…
September 1, 2008
Leave a comment
That was the first time i remember myself being fat. It’s like a vivid dream but it’s all reality. We were sitting down for dinner. I sat across from ym brother and my parents sat on the ends of the table. My mom made chicken curry. The smell of the spices just made my mouth water with anticipation. My mom took a scoop of the white pearly grains of rice and plopped it onto my plate. It was like a mini mountain. I looked at its marvelous dome shape. My mom then crushed my mound of rice with a ladle of curry goodness; creating a pool of re-orange liquid in the center of the white mound. She placed a leg and a wing on my plate. I remember finishing my plate and asking for seconds. My mom happily obliged and place some more of that tasty curry on my plate. Another mound turned into a pool of reddish-orange love, and a couple more pieces of chicken. As the tummy’s got full, mine still felt a bit empty. My dad got up from the table, followed by my brother and mom to go watch TV or do whatever they did back in the day. But I stayed behind. I wanted more. MORE FOOD FOR ME!I looked at the table. Still the pots were full of the curry with the chicken floating around, mocking me, tempting me to eat one more plate. The rice…the evil carb filled rice. Dancing around the bowl showing off its glistening white grains. I took another scoop of rice and a another ladle of curry sauce and a couple..er few more pieces of chicken and ate it. I sat there shoving food into my mouth trying to satisfy my hunger. I looked like some bourgeois spoiled brat just grabbing and stuffing my mouth full of food.
After my stomach begged me to stop, I wobbled away from the table. Feeling bloated and just tired. I went to sleep. I took a nap. All that eating takes a lot out of a person, especially a person as young as I was. When I got up from my nap I felt my stomach and I felt like it grew. I mean it did. I ate like pig, but i mean the stomach felt huge. At that very moment, I realized I needed to lose weight. As, young as 6 years old, I knew it was bad to be fat. My parents never said anything about being over weight or what have you. I think I just had this natural instinct that girls could not be fat.
I jumped on our exercise bike and started pedaling. I pedaled to no where very fast. I must have rode that thing for like 30 minutes. Even after I got off, I felt like I was still enormous. Nothing I did made my new bigger stomach go away. Til this day, I still think I see that stomach…underneath the 24 years of added stomach.
And that was the first time I knew I had lost my first battle against food. It’s pretty disturbing when you can actually recall the day and the feeling of when you knew you got fat. Granted I probably wasn’t fat that day, it was just something psychological that hit me that day. and through the years of my battle of weight loss and gain my size just increased and that days just seems like the day it all started.
That day was my Big Bang Theory.
Recent Comments