Amazing how much a face changes

in the span of about 7 months. Sept 6th will be my 7 month anniversary since I had my Gastric Bypass. At the time of surgery I was about 315 (down from that whopping 339). My face was so unbelievably round. I never realized my head was like a perfect spherical ball. I looked so plump and juicy. Like a ripe tomato about to fall of the vine. I bet if there were beings bigger than us humans and we were their cattle, I’d be one of the most tasty and succulent meats. But alas, we’re at the top of the food chain and I live no where close to cannibals so I am safe. Although, there is a strange fellow down the block.

But in all seriousness, I was and still am in shock about how huge I was. In the beginning of the pre-op stages of surgery, I had to wait 6 months in order to be approved, I would sit for hours in front of my mirror in my room. I had a vanity and I would just plop my ever widening ass in front of it and just stare. I would stare at my eyes, my cheekbones, the lips, and my triple not DOUBLE chin. I would try to imagine what my face would look like if just lost 50lbs. I would take my hands and strategically place them on my face and cover my triple chin and my meaty cheekbones. I would see a pretty face. A face that would feel a bit more confident if I could just lose that weight. But when I took my hands away, reality set in and the fat face would reappear. My confidence lowered again. I would be depressed. I would never show it to anyone, how upset I was, because if it wasn’t for my humor then I’d think I would jsut be that blob of gelatin in the corner.

That’s the thing about being big. If you are huge most likely we have huge personalities and people love being around us. Because #1 We are pros at laughing at ourselves regardless how we feel on the inside. #2 We feel so low about our physical appearance that we think in order to make up for what we feel as ugly, we must have the personality to find love, friends etc #3 We tend to make other people look good.

Well, that 3rd one is how I always felt. I never approached a guy. I was always so scared about what a man would think of me. Why would a cute guy want me? Why would he like to touch my body when I hate my own body so much. But this story is for another post…I am getting side tracked. I wanna talk about the face.

I remember when I got a call from my bariatric coordinator. She told me that I may not be approved because I didn’t have 5 years of weight records in my medical records. I told her this was due to the fact that I didn’t have health insurance at the time, so I wouldn’t go to the doctor’s unless it was in dire need. She told me she would tell that to my insurance company but be prepared for a rejection. She also told me to see my primary and ask him to write a letter to my insurance agent explaining.

When I got off the phone with her, I told my mom about the news. We sat at the table, actually talking. A deep mother to daughter talk. We don’t have a lot of these moments so this was actually special. I let her in on my secret. I told her that I would sit in front of my vanity imagining what I would look like with a smaller face. It’s one thing to look at your body being smaller but something as the face. Something so personal and so intimate, it was hard for her to hear. I told her how I would mask my face with my hands imagining myself without the triple chin and meaty cheeks. She just looked back at me with tears in her eyes. I think at that moment she realized how horrible I felt about my own self worth. I told her I had thoughts of suicide because I never thought I was good enough and I didn’t deserve to be happy. I told her I don’t know what I would do if I was rejected for the surgery. But all she could say was ” Stop it”. She didn’t want to hear anymore. It was hard to hear her own child speak of such things. One thing about our family is that we never say anything about our feelings. EVER. It’s like we automatically know, so we don’t have to say it. But when one of us does mention something of some emotional importance, it catches us off guard. I caught her off guard at that very moment. So I stopped. I shut up. Got up from the table and went up stairs. Scratch that, I went upstairs after I grabbed myself something to eat to bury the pain of what I was feeling.

It’s a horrible cycle, what we go through. It is amazing how much food is a security blanket for us. We know that it’s horrible because we abuse it in a manner that we have, but it’s also the one thing that will make us feel better when we have no one there to support or comfort us. Even when you have family, sometimes they don’t comfort you or give you that sense of “it’s going to be OK” feeling that a pint of Ben’ and Jerry’s Chunky Monkey can.

About a week later, I had an appointment to meet with my primary. I turned off my cell phone before I went into his office. I sat in the waiting room before they called me back. I heard my name. Got my vitals taken, I guess they figured if i was going to pay for a doctor’s visit they might as well run the basic tests. The nurse practitioner left the room and informed me the doctor would be in soon. I waited anxiously, trying to think of other alternatives if I didn’t get approved. The door opened and my breathing stopped for a moment. He sat across from me, opened, my file, looked at the blood work I did, the psych review, the nutritionist review, and was dumbfounded at how I may be refused the surgery. He looked at me and said he would write another letter stressing the importance of the surgery but told me “If you get rejected, you will have to look at Visa and MasterCard to pay for your surgery” and left the room. Yeah, gee thanks doc. You make me feel so bloody optimistic!

I paid my $15 Co-Pay and left. By the time I got home, my mom comes running to the door screaming nonsense. All I could make out was, Tina called (my bariatric coordinator), approved. I was shocked but thrilled because I know this is what I have been waiting for. I called her up, she congratulated me and told me to “Pick a Day” for my surgery. I was dumbfounded and said er, “February?” and she said OK let me look. “The 6th good for you?” Me, “I’ll make it good for me”.

After that day, I no longer had to camouflage my face with my hands. This picture is of me at around 260lbs (70lbs lighter). The picture in the about me section is the most current. That picture I’m about 115 lbs lighter and that’s 7 months post-op.