Mind playing tricks on me
So I’m about 125lbs down (214lbs). I am trying to be under 200lbs by my birthday, which is this Tuesday, but I fear I won’t make it. I thought I could lose 15lbs when I realized I was a little over a week from hitting the big 30. So I started walking twice as much and eating a little less. But my weight still hasn’t went down. I know this is bad to begin with because I’m already eating less than a normal person already and I shouldn’t deprive my body of nutrients, but when you have been big for so long and lose this much weight in such a short time, you are always wanting more. But you can’t rush your body. I know this, but still I want more.
There is a a mental side effect from having this surgery. One that the doctors and my $100/hr shrink failed to tell me about. You get addicted to losing the weight. You are so happy and amazed at how quickly one loses the weight that you don’t want it to stop, even if you hit your goal weight. mine is at 165lbs. But now that I’m about 50lbs away from it. I feel like I should lose more. I look in the mirror and I see myself thinner and such, but I still see the fat person. I see the flabby skin. Skin stretched so far from all the years of being overweight that no matter what you do, you will still have folds of skin. No amount of exercise will tighten your skin up. It will have to be done with surgery. And how the insurance is today, they consider a body lift cosmetic and will NOT cover it, unless its a health related issue. And in my case, since I have eczema I may be covered because I get rashes easily and its a health issue. Granted it may only be for my stomach region but it’s better than nothing. But we shall see. I am taking pictures now and also going to my primary so he can have a record of the rash outbreak. But the other thing I want to work on is my arms. I have this thing called Bat wings. Look it up. It just like this amount of skin that hangs. I am doing tightening exercises but still, not sure how much will tighten up. This is a surgery I definitely want to have because I don’t think I will feel beautiful if I keep the flabbiness. It’s not attractive, and I personally wouldn’t want a man looking at me naked or even in lingerie if I just have skin hanging from my body.
And even before that, I am kind of addicted to losing the weight faster. I feel it’s some sort of game with myself that I have against other people who had the surgery. I know it’s horrible and wrong but sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. A physical side effect is vomiting if you eat too much. I think we all go through this process simply because we are trying to figure out how much we can eat. We were so used to eating even past the stage of fullness that now having a stomach that is like 1/5 the size of a normal stomach, it’s hard to judge how much one can eat and what you can eat.
The first time I felt the the vomiting reaction was when I was about 1 1/2 months in. I was sitting at my computer. Just finished eating dinner. Mashed potatoes with a bit of butter and pepper and some peas. it was maybe a half a cup of the mashed potatoes and 1/2 cup of the peas. I felt full. I didn’t drink anything because they tell you to not drink during meals because it fills your stomach up. But I sat there, about 3 minutes after I was done..feeling a little queezy. So I stopped, thought about what is going on, then all of the sudden I made a mad dash to the bathroom. Pushed my mom out of the way, kind of kicked the dog so it would move and burst through the bathroom door and over the toilet. Granted when I blew chunks it was like my normal throw up. It was kind of mucusish. Not that horrible acid reflux taste in your mouth, nor the burning of the throat. I used to cry after my normal throw ups, but this one… I didn’t. It was weird.
I also threw up when I didn’t realize I couldn’t eat certain foods anymore. Not because they are restricted, but because my stomach can’t take it. In the beginning, I couldn’t take dairy. But I’m ok with that now. But I can’t eat pork, unless its bacon, steak is OK, hamburger is a huge no unless its so finely ground and mushy, any fried foods are murder on me, any desserts like cakes and cookies, especially the ones that are pre-made and packed with preservatives like Twinkies. Oh how I miss the Twinkies. That yellow cake that surrounds the sweet white creme of delight. Ooooh yaaaaa.
OK I digress. SO yes, I have thrown up since then. Trying to figure out what I can and can not eat. However, I don’t only throw up because of the wrong things or because I’ve eaten too much. I vomit occasionally because I felt I’ve eaten too much, therefore I force myself to vomit. This isn’t an everyday occurrence and I know it’s horrible, but it is something I am controlling. I know it should stop. I will stop eventually. But I do it sometimes because I do feel left out that I can’t eat what I used to eat or I feel i have over eaten. It is some sort of depression because I wish sometimes that I can eat certain foods but I can’t. I mean for god sakes I’m half Asian and I can’t even eat God Damn Rice anymore! The rice just acts as glue and sticks to your sides. I haven’t eaten Chinese food in 7 months because I throw up. So I stay away from it. Now that’s hard because again, I’m freaking Asian. It’s like I’m disowning my culture. What the hell?!
Oh and bread is horrible. Unless its like a crouton or toast that is so toasted that is hard like a crouton, I can’t eat it. I made the horrible mistake one night because I craved a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. I only used one slice but as soon as I ate it, I felt weird. I was only able to eat half a slice when it hit me. OMG I just wallpapered my throat shut. The bread and peanut butter shut my throat up so much that even when I tried to drink some water to try and work it through, it would work. I stood over the toilet trying to throw it back up, but it wouldn’t even do that. I just had to SUFFER my way through the night. So whatever you do, do not eat peanut butter. That is one thing I read about. There are certain foods you may no longer be able to eat anymore. I very rarely eat meat. I think from about the 2nd month til the 3rd month, all I liked to eat was pickles because it was mostly water and the only thing I could tolerate. But some people are actually forced into a vegetarian lifestyle now because of the surgery.
But back to my image problem. I do feel like that cartoon in this post. I may not be thin like her, but I still have that mental mind of a fat person. I still see myself as fat and I want to lose more, faster. But that is hampered because of my sagging skin. Don’t worry though, I am not bulimic. I do not throw up after every meal. I know what I am doing. Plus, if I was bulimic my
parents and family would stop me from ever closing the door to the bathroom again. Even my co-workers would follow me to the bathroom. But I try and eat all my meals. Again this whole thing is new. Nothing a doctor, a shrink, or even other post-op patients can tell you how you will react. You will find this out all on your own. I just hope that maybe reading this blog you can prepare yourself for what you may expect. There will be times of tears, frustrations, and hopelessness. But all of it is moot when you actually see and feel better. So just stick with it. Cry when you need to cry, but laugh when you want to laugh. Because this is a new beginning now. A new start to a better healthier life.
There is a a mental side effect from having this surgery. One that the doctors and my $100/hr shrink failed to tell me about. You get addicted to losing the weight. You are so happy and amazed at how quickly one loses the weight that you don’t want it to stop, even if you hit your goal weight. mine is at 165lbs. But now that I’m about 50lbs away from it. I feel like I should lose more. I look in the mirror and I see myself thinner and such, but I still see the fat person. I see the flabby skin. Skin stretched so far from all the years of being overweight that no matter what you do, you will still have folds of skin. No amount of exercise will tighten your skin up. It will have to be done with surgery. And how the insurance is today, they consider a body lift cosmetic and will NOT cover it, unless its a health related issue. And in my case, since I have eczema I may be covered because I get rashes easily and its a health issue. Granted it may only be for my stomach region but it’s better than nothing. But we shall see. I am taking pictures now and also going to my primary so he can have a record of the rash outbreak. But the other thing I want to work on is my arms. I have this thing called Bat wings. Look it up. It just like this amount of skin that hangs. I am doing tightening exercises but still, not sure how much will tighten up. This is a surgery I definitely want to have because I don’t think I will feel beautiful if I keep the flabbiness. It’s not attractive, and I personally wouldn’t want a man looking at me naked or even in lingerie if I just have skin hanging from my body.
And even before that, I am kind of addicted to losing the weight faster. I feel it’s some sort of game with myself that I have against other people who had the surgery. I know it’s horrible and wrong but sometimes I feel like I can’t control it. A physical side effect is vomiting if you eat too much. I think we all go through this process simply because we are trying to figure out how much we can eat. We were so used to eating even past the stage of fullness that now having a stomach that is like 1/5 the size of a normal stomach, it’s hard to judge how much one can eat and what you can eat.
The first time I felt the the vomiting reaction was when I was about 1 1/2 months in. I was sitting at my computer. Just finished eating dinner. Mashed potatoes with a bit of butter and pepper and some peas. it was maybe a half a cup of the mashed potatoes and 1/2 cup of the peas. I felt full. I didn’t drink anything because they tell you to not drink during meals because it fills your stomach up. But I sat there, about 3 minutes after I was done..feeling a little queezy. So I stopped, thought about what is going on, then all of the sudden I made a mad dash to the bathroom. Pushed my mom out of the way, kind of kicked the dog so it would move and burst through the bathroom door and over the toilet. Granted when I blew chunks it was like my normal throw up. It was kind of mucusish. Not that horrible acid reflux taste in your mouth, nor the burning of the throat. I used to cry after my normal throw ups, but this one… I didn’t. It was weird.
I also threw up when I didn’t realize I couldn’t eat certain foods anymore. Not because they are restricted, but because my stomach can’t take it. In the beginning, I couldn’t take dairy. But I’m ok with that now. But I can’t eat pork, unless its bacon, steak is OK, hamburger is a huge no unless its so finely ground and mushy, any fried foods are murder on me, any desserts like cakes and cookies, especially the ones that are pre-made and packed with preservatives like Twinkies. Oh how I miss the Twinkies. That yellow cake that surrounds the sweet white creme of delight. Ooooh yaaaaa.
OK I digress. SO yes, I have thrown up since then. Trying to figure out what I can and can not eat. However, I don’t only throw up because of the wrong things or because I’ve eaten too much. I vomit occasionally because I felt I’ve eaten too much, therefore I force myself to vomit. This isn’t an everyday occurrence and I know it’s horrible, but it is something I am controlling. I know it should stop. I will stop eventually. But I do it sometimes because I do feel left out that I can’t eat what I used to eat or I feel i have over eaten. It is some sort of depression because I wish sometimes that I can eat certain foods but I can’t. I mean for god sakes I’m half Asian and I can’t even eat God Damn Rice anymore! The rice just acts as glue and sticks to your sides. I haven’t eaten Chinese food in 7 months because I throw up. So I stay away from it. Now that’s hard because again, I’m freaking Asian. It’s like I’m disowning my culture. What the hell?!
Oh and bread is horrible. Unless its like a crouton or toast that is so toasted that is hard like a crouton, I can’t eat it. I made the horrible mistake one night because I craved a Peanut butter and Jelly sandwich. I only used one slice but as soon as I ate it, I felt weird. I was only able to eat half a slice when it hit me. OMG I just wallpapered my throat shut. The bread and peanut butter shut my throat up so much that even when I tried to drink some water to try and work it through, it would work. I stood over the toilet trying to throw it back up, but it wouldn’t even do that. I just had to SUFFER my way through the night. So whatever you do, do not eat peanut butter. That is one thing I read about. There are certain foods you may no longer be able to eat anymore. I very rarely eat meat. I think from about the 2nd month til the 3rd month, all I liked to eat was pickles because it was mostly water and the only thing I could tolerate. But some people are actually forced into a vegetarian lifestyle now because of the surgery.
But back to my image problem. I do feel like that cartoon in this post. I may not be thin like her, but I still have that mental mind of a fat person. I still see myself as fat and I want to lose more, faster. But that is hampered because of my sagging skin. Don’t worry though, I am not bulimic. I do not throw up after every meal. I know what I am doing. Plus, if I was bulimic my
parents and family would stop me from ever closing the door to the bathroom again. Even my co-workers would follow me to the bathroom. But I try and eat all my meals. Again this whole thing is new. Nothing a doctor, a shrink, or even other post-op patients can tell you how you will react. You will find this out all on your own. I just hope that maybe reading this blog you can prepare yourself for what you may expect. There will be times of tears, frustrations, and hopelessness. But all of it is moot when you actually see and feel better. So just stick with it. Cry when you need to cry, but laugh when you want to laugh. Because this is a new beginning now. A new start to a better healthier life.
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