I hate Mirrors

Ever since my body has shrunk down to an average size (Average meaning size 14/16 American) I wonder when my mentality will change. I’m happy I can now shop in normal size store now but I’m still stuck in the rut of the fatty mentality. It doesn’t help when there is this thing called a mirror is everywhere. Not just a mirror, but reflections. One can’t help but look at themselves and pick out every NEGATIVE aspect of one’s body. Not a lot of people see the positives in one self. Not even those skinny bitches  girls that are seemingly perfect in the eye of everyone that see them. Everyone seems to find the most minuscule things about themselves wrong that another person most likely doesn’t even notice or even care.

Lately, I’ve been hating my reflection. Again yes I AM SMALLER. but I’m stuck in this body that hasn’t changed in like 8 months or so. However, some asshole who KNOWS that I have had the surgery feel it in there infinite wisdom to say something has moronic to me as “have you gained weight?” SERIOUSLY! Are you that fucking stupid to say something like that to someone that has BATTLED WEIGHT PROBLEMS? I have wavered between 215 and 225ish for the past 8ish months. I still wear the same size and in some cases even can wear a size smaller. But with this comment, every time I see my reflection in a mirror or a store window or a really shiny waxed car, I do that ceremonial turn to the side to see if I look fatter. I hate that feeling. And I tell myself, “No don’t look! You’ll just feel like shit.” but I give in and have to look. I squeeze my hips smaller, suck in the stomach, push in my pooch, Clench my ass cheeks. YAY I LOOK THINNER…with help. But then i let out the air because I can’t breath, unclench the ass, unsqueeze the hips, and back to my normal jiggly self.

Am I happy with the jiggle? No. I want to be firm and tight. But that will NEVER happen naturally unless I have surgery. So I will just have to be great friends with girdles and undergarments that are great and sucking in and tucking and lifting. But I am aware that the more weight I lose. The more saggy I will get, therefore I may look heavier than I am because of the loose skin.

Maybe one day I can get my tummy tuck. I would be willing to suffer the pain. But until then, I will try to avoid full length mirrors or store windows or real shiny cars. I just need my trust compact mirror to do my makeup, since, I only really like the size and shape of my head. LOL

Tags: body image, Dieting, gastric bypass, self image